Special Satellite Report…Coming to you LIVE from Mae West

Mae...

Sooaaa…howz everyboda doin today???

This is Mae, ya know, West, rhymes with best…and with chest too, so yea…

I’m coming to you from live satellite feed right now to give you an update on the situation that just went down over at Frau’s place the otha night.. and ya know what I always say:

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

cuz ya know…”I’ve been things and seen places” and “I’m a woman of very few words, but lots of action.”

So, anywayz, last night, or was it the night before…who knows any more… I went to visit my good friend Frau and I found her in a very grumpy mood, that woman can be MEAN…I sometimes wonda if she’s got more testosterone than estrogen…and that ain’t right…it just ain’t right…

Geez, her unibrow was all tight and bunched up, all furry and black; just like one of those crazy catapillers ya see crawling around on the sidewalk sometimes…you know, down in the city, crawling all over leftover food just lying around..

and she had just started to fire ze lasers, so I had to step in stop her BODILY…cuz you know

“I speak two languages, Body and English and in this case, it had to be the body!!”

My Body is a Wunderland...

Yea, I found her with six men at once, imaagin that, OH…and Scott, but he don’t count!

See, “I only count two kinds of men, domestic and imported”, and that kid is neitha, trust me! He’s like a another life form, like an alien or sompthin…

SCOTT, the evil alien!

Soo, anywazzz, I tell ya, “when women go wrong, men go right after them” and Frau had gone very wrong there, very wrong.  She had, like, these six men surrounding her and she was just standin there, like she didn’t know what she should do first…can you imagine?

Sooz, of course, I had to step in and do sompthin quick!

Cuz, “give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.” And I was kinda on the prowl for that very thing that night if you know what I mean…I always say, “keep a diary and someday it’ll keep you.”       

So, anywayz, I see ha, Frau, getting ready to fire ze lasers on these six gorgeous men and all if a sudden… I seen HIM…you know…the short bald one, Cuurly…

Cuurly

And I liked what I saw cuz you know, “a man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.” And that man looked like he had the fira…down deep like I like it…

And at first, I tried to restrain myself, but, yea, “I like restraint, if it doesn’t go too far, ya know what I mean?”

Restrainin Myself

So, I moved in quick, to rescue him cuz even though I gotta boyfriend now, you neva know, so “I say save a boyfriend for a rainy day – and another, in case it doesn’t rain.”

And I looked at Cuurly, and he looked at me…and I could tell there was that fira there, you know, like I said before, burnin deep.

Mista Fira Heart

“And it isn’t what I do, but how I do it. It isn’t what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.”

TRUST me...you know you can...;)

So, I says to him, come on over here and give mama a big kiss and I’ll take you right outta here and save your short, dumpy ass…and your bald head too…

So, maybe he’s got a little hair, it’s hard to tell, I was kinda distracted right here…

So, anywayz, he did come ova and lay one right on my big, poutin lips and leeme tell you, “I’m here to say that an ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises!”

And that man has more than an ounce, lemme tell you! A man’s kiss is his signature and Cuurly’s signature is his amazing kiss… it was long, it was deep, it cuuurled my very toes, they don’t call him Cuurly for nuttin!

“And when I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad I’m better”. So, we’ll see…I just might be my best with this short, little dumpy, bald guy…ya neva know what might happen in life…it’s ful a mysterys and advencha!

“Just rememba…Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before”, and I ain’t neva tried his kinda evil…I’m kinda lookin forward it!!

“I never loved another person the way I loved myself.”

 

And one more thing…nuttin personal to the peanut gallery!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Donum of Visum’s Day Off

Donum of Visum:  Ahhhhh….I wish I’d had this book this morning at like 4 a.m. and that it coulda helped me catch some ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz!

Donum of Visum:I woke up hungry, so I made myself, like, two bowls of Honey Bunches of Oats with 2% milk and starting looking for old pictures…and some crazy energy surge (not mine) kept momentarily turning off my other computer and I finally said, To hell with that for now…I have another (computer). Soooo, anywho, here’s a little story that fit some photos I took. And by the way…he is the Masta! You BETTA respect his author-a-tay!

DONUM OF VISUM’S SLEEP BOOK

aka FIRE ZE LASERS!!!!

Donum of Visum (think Frau Farbissina, Donum’s alter ego): “Let us entre ze bedroom where ze Masta lies SLUMBERING. See for yourselves, he is a man ofz great IMPOTANCE, but he must not be DISTURBED…”

Donum of Visum:  ”He is like ze great, giant bear in hiberation, tossing, turning, snoring (once in a while, though I do too) and softly growling; oh, perchance a DREAM. Of me, noz DOUBT!”

Cameron: “Okay Ferris, can we just go, please? pleeeeeeease?”

Sloane: “Ferris, please. We’ve come too far! We’re going to get busted! ”

Ferris: [describing ze Masta’s house]   “Holy Crap! The place is like a museum. It’s very beautiful and very cold, and you’re not allowed to touch anything. Ya hear me dudes? So, don’t touch a fuckin thing you assholes! BUT, if the Donum says we go, then we go! All for one…”

Cameron: “And one for all?”

Donum of Visum:  “SSShhh…Let us go slowly…ever so slowly…tiptoeing with baited breath, chests held tight to keep the  beating of ourz hearts at bay; ze very beating in anticipation of viewing ze very Masta, himself, ..LOOK! he sleeps so sexily, so pwovactively, he stirs my very loins…

Donum of Visum: “SCOTT! Get me a friggin MAXI-PAD!!!”

Donum of Visum: “Ze Masta is a man of great INTELLIGENCE – able to step on a bug and say ‘TOO BAD!'” 

Ferris: “Look! A bright, though meager, light to guide our steps!”

Curly: “Now ain’t that a coincidunce!”

(Larry hits Moe with a hammer and knocks him cold…)
Larry: “Hey Moe! Hey Moe! Moe, what happened? Say a few syllables.”
Moe: “I’ll annihilate ya. I’ll moider ya.”
Larry: “Eh, wrong syllables.”

Ferris: “Hey, where’d you guys come from?”

Curly: “We wanna see ze Masta TOO, ya numbskulls!”

Donum of Visum:” CAUTIOUSLY! CAUTIOUSLY! Or else I’ll bring out the friggin FemBOTS and sick ’em after you ALL!”

Larry: “Yea, Ferris, quit makin so much noise!”

Ferris: “Like you should talk, you, ‘Mr. LOOK AT MY BIG HAIR-DO TUF GUY!”

Donum of Visum: “SILENCE! I say! I must not hear LIES!”

Larry: “Geez…”

Donum of Visum: “Look now, and behold…, ze CHAMBER DOOR!”

Curly: “It bears ze Masta’s insignia?”

Donum of Visum: “NO, stoopid, that’s MY insignia… they don’t call me the DAMN DONUM LIONESS OF VISUM, for nuttin, SUKAS!”

Moe:  “Twenty grand for summa camp, and she’s Mrs. Woo-Woo!”

Donum of Visum: I SAID SILENCE! or else I will have to FIRE ZE LASERS! Do you want yo see or NOT?”

Moe: “Okay, okay, I’m done…Geez!”

Cameron: “Can we just see?…pleeeeeeease?”

Donum of Visum: “Very well…ENTRE!”

Moe:  “Koooool, look, it’s ze Masta’s personal armoire and his dainty little pink chaaar, how sweeeeet!”

Ferris: “And look, there’s ze MASTA’s throne!”

Curly: “Yea, and his nightlight too, how cute, boodz!”

Cameron: “And what da HELL is that thing?!”

Moe: “That’s to protect his HEAD, ya dummy, memba, he’s a man of IMPOTENCE…itn’t that right, Donum?””

Sloane: “And look, there HE is now, it’s ze MASTA himself!”

Larry: “(to ze sleeping Masta) Hey, hey buddy. Can you tell me where I can find Twenty-two Laredo Street?”
Masta:” No moleste! Es la hora de mi siesta! (Approximate translation: Don’t bother me! It’s the hour of my nap!)”
Curly: “What?”
Masta: “Siesta! Siesta! (Approximate translation: Nap! Nap!)”
Curly: “We don’t wanna see Esther, we wanna see Dolores.”
Larry: “Say. Maybe if we find Esther, she’ll tell us where we can find Dolores.”
Moe: “For once in your life you’re right. Come on, let’s find Esther! ”

Ferris: “HEY! You guys are scene stealers …knock it off already!”

Cameron: “Yea, give us some air time, we’re dying over here!”

Sloan: “YEA, were bona-fide STARS…I got bills to pay and shit…!”

Donum of Visum: “Send in the CLONES! I hav zreached my LIMIT!”

Donum of Visum: “SCOTT! Where are ze damn CLONES!!”

Masta: “Oh gentlemen, what will I do with her? (referring to Frau Sherry Amor ) Now, let me tell you a little about Sherry…”
Moe: “Oh, don’t bother. I’ll take scotch…”
Larry: “…make mine rye…”
Curly: “…I’ll take gin smothered in bourbon. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.”

Moe: (to ze Masta) “You snore like a roaring lion.”
Masta:  (awakening) “I do not. I stayed awake all night last night to see if I snored and I don’t.”

Ferris:  “So, Cameron, what have you seen today?”
Cameron: “Nothing good.”
Ferris: “Nothing – wha – what do you mean nothing good? We’ve seen everything good. We’ve seen ze masta’s fuckin chambers, we’ve even seen his chamber door, his personal armoire, his throne, his nightlight, his head protection and the MAN himself! What more do’ya want? We ate pancreas for god’s sake, right out of ze Masta’s kitchen!”

Donum of Visum: “Laser ON!”

Donum of Visum: “Lower the globe!”

Donum of Visum:  “Arming ze Laser!”

Donum of Visum: “Begin Laser Ignition!”

Donum of Visum: “GO!”